. stuck in reverse .

:-:

the days r long n grey...cold and wet..
the nights r short..dark n empty.

them autumn leaves in the most beautiful colour of colours...
just to fall from the tree to the ground..
turn brown..
whitter...
has it already served its purpose?

are there any reasons why?

i am lookin for a place to hide...
..a place where i cannot fail..
..betray nor deny.

the little angel with the black wings
are now running...
no longer can she fly.

..........guide me home.

:-:

. cold to the bone .

:-:

"I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World Mad World..."

soo.....im on my way huh.
kinda.
i've packed. or hav i?
i think i've forgotten something.
god knows what tho.
i got myself.
purse. no money tho but its there.
ehm. passport.
phone.
wedding clothes.

my ears hurts.
im fed up.
i've given up.
i'll sort it out i n another life.

"cause you, and you, and you and you you're just a animal developed into you..."

dunno y i never can be pleased...
settle for what i have without always wanting more
but never knowing what.
y i dont just pick the finest
......and keep it..hold on to it.
i always want to keep the cake
but also eat it.

im gettin ready to leave home now.
dads here in bout..half an hour phaps.
im lookin forward to fallin asleep in the car.

oh sleepinbag.

ok then. jolly good.
lots ov love
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

:-:

. gotta get that .

:-:

boom boom boom.

been bakin bread now for hours.
when i shud be sleeping.
but now i have a week off work so
i can sleep a bit more tomorrow
when i get to dan's place instead.

tuesday we're goin to dan's cottage in
ludvika. i think it'll be fab.
its gorgeous there. countryside.
i pray there'll wont be any insekts.
plz.
i wna be able to be outside without panicin.

a "must-hear" right now is:
Paolo Nutini - Candy!!!!
absolutly fabulous.
i cudnt love it more.
" oh i'll be there waiting for you..."
*singing*
this one mite work:
http://open.spotify.com/track/45ZmUXITNXixqBjelRmBSO

gosh.
money.
i hate the fact how much i need them.
dont we all. *sigh*

ok. shower time then bed time.
yes indeed sir.

laterz my loves.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

*put your hands in the air*

:-:

. so much with so little .

:-:

there is so much to look forward to.
how in the world will i be able to
finance it all!!!!!!
- Malmö (kuzz wedding)
- Krakow
- Prague
- Berlin
- Italy (wedding no 2.)
- Stockholm
n its all happenin in aug + sep!!! n im
spose to start uni at that time as well!
i mite just skip Krakow n Prague, dunno yet.
As usuall there so many things i wna do n
as usuall im completly skint.
dammit.

oh..thunder.
n rain.
mmm.
i will sleep well tonight.

my head's a mess now.
wow.
so many feelings surfacing right now.

nxt week im goin to dan's cottage with
some friends.
that'll b so nice.

im very restless.
to restless to just sit on my butt
here in uppsala n do nada.

well..now its shrek time with the corridorfamily.
yes indeed. =)

xoxoxoxoxo

:-:

. under your spell .

:-:

at first i thougth i understood.
that i knew what i was doin..
now im just lost n confused.
dazed by the truth.

i shud be in bed. so in bed.
im spose to get up for work in
three hours.
lol.
well good morning pro-plus.
i finish early tomorrow so i'll
just hav to suffer it out.

dammit.
my wisdom tooth is killin me.
i want it pulled out.

dont watch the haunting in connecticut...
damn scary!!! not even sure if i'll
be able to sleep!!

been at dads for the weekend.
also been hanging with some good friends.
i love laughing with friends.
nothing makes me happier.
some countryside pictures here for ya:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=278081&id=522090071&l=cdccce7d60

well..this is when i say good nite n
sweet dreams to you sunshine.

nite nite ya'll
xxxxxx

:-:

- what is real -

:-:

it doesnt matter what i do
how much i try
what i say
or what i want
cuz dammit..
it makes no difference

i try to plan.
i try to sort things out.
cuz i want to.
but in the end it all gets fucked
up anyway.
im tired ov tryin now.
you try.

k arma
e agerness
r etarded
s oul
t ramp
i njured
n onversation

bed time. work tomorrow.

"its sad but true..you telling me what to do...*

love ya'll.....

:-:

- let me sign -

:-:

this wknd brought me bk
to the past.
the warm great past.
to something i wasted.
something i lost.
i miss what i had.
and i think its true what they say;
one doesnt know what one had
til's its gone.
and then ....its to late.

im bk in uppsala again.
work tomorrow.
not really up for it to be honest.
i just want my summer brake.
i just want things to work out.

im waiting for wednesday.

uppsala is so empty.
so many have gone bk to theirs.
and here the rest ov us are.
but i like comin back home knowing
that they are here.
i like them.

cant wait for malmö.
and halmstad.
and göteborg.

im way past my bedtime.
need to b up in uh..5 hours.
badness.
shower then bedtime.

i miss your beautiful eyes and
warm heart.

:-:

- light up the night such pretty sight -

:-:

"...too much is not enough
nobody said this stuff made
any sense..."

there is a lot i dont understand
my heart is one ov them
you is another

when i close my eyes my
world spins around me.
but im still.
lost.
confused.
dazed.
alone and cold.

i need your warm
arms around me.
again.

" Your eyes capture me in an instant
and leave me hypnotized and I get lost
every time in your eyes...."

its raining out.
makes me wna stay inside.
its warm here.
cosy and safe.

tomorrow im goin back
there again.
i dont know what i want nor
where i wanna be.

time will show.

:-:

. a lifetime .

:-:

the unexpected just
happen.
n dealing with consequences
is never easy.

i dunno what to say
nor what to do.
i dont understand.
yet.

decisions.
how?

strange.
unreal.
more strange.

maybe i need some alone time.
and maybe
i need u.

:-:

- so fell the rain -

:-:

.goodness.
handed in my essay n done my part as a opponent = summer!!
no more uni work 'til september. hopefully!!!
*fingers crossed*

.badness.
everybody's leavin uppsala.
im guna miss everybody so much this summer.
me love u long time.

n instead goin out gettin shitfaced as i shud ov - i decided
to stay at home.
chillin one my own. (almost - see photos!)
some kerstin time.
n thats exactly what i needed.
it feels great!!

shower time.
then im guna watch the league of gentlemens apocalypse.
yay, awesomeness.

nite nite
lots ov love
xoxox

:-:









:-:

. hollow .

:-:

today is not my day
emptiness
n tears

when i stop for a second
and let my mind n
thoughts free to spin
i realise the fact
the truth

then i see
what im trying to suppress

they call it death.

the feeling of missing
a part of yourself
and to know that
that part is never coming back

never again will we talk
never again will she make me smile
never again will she hold me

this wonderful person
this lovly mother
how can this be true?
how could this happen?
no questions nor answers
will never make this easier
or undone

one can never say
i love you
to someone to
many times............

hold me....

:-:

- mum -

:-:

sometimes the feelin of
emptiness hits me so hard
it knocks me off my feet
keeping me alive
and
telling me the facts
she is gone
and
shes not coming back

no tears will ever bring her back
no sorrow will ever make her
stroke my cheek again
but yet
i cannot hold it back
my light thru life has been
put out

how ones world from one day to the
other just can turn totally upside down

i closes my eyes and i see her
hear her
smell her
but its not enought

how it is possible to love somebody
so much
and when loosing that someone
everything falls apart

the mind and the heart does not
always walk the same road

im tired of being lost
empty
not having her
tired of trying and trying
constantly and so hard
for what?

where to go?
what to do?
for whom?
why?

:-:

. na na na .

:-:

had such a long day. god up early cuz had to go to the gym b4
meetin frida for lunch. had a great time with frida tho, we needed that.

got a few things done tho and went to a really interesting lecture as well.
but not to fond of leaving school at 8ish pm.

tomorrow im def not getting up early. i think.
my day of rest from the gym,
4 days this week is enough i think.
or....we'll see how im feeling in the morning!

going to dads for the weekend.
it'll prob be nice.

bought a new perfume today. nice. me like.
also sorted my ears out. see photo.

weeeell...bedtime yes sir!!
xxxxxxxxxx
:-:

:-:

. like a soul without a mind .

:-:

not feeling my best today
tired
cold

march and april is stressful
so much to do
so little time

parsnips
oh how i love them
they are beautiful and
incredible tasty
yummi

probably going to london
over easter
gisele was supposed to come over
but im a horrible person and
decided to go there instead
selfish me

dont know what happen to the time today
suddenly its almost 10 pm n bedtime
want to get up early and go to the gym
before school

a shower
read some Mary Douglas
then bedtime

that is all.
xxxxxx

:-:

. holding on .

:-:

release me
i feel unsafe

there is no one else to blaim
but me
again
i am needy

i am stuck in the
middle of
what i want
feel
know
and what i can do

silly
again

are there any impossible dreams?

why are we on this constant
search for
the other
the better
the greeener grass on the
other side?

walkin on
down the path
confused
and oblivious
to the destination

maybe thats how
it should be?

:-:

- play with fire .

:-:

the days i get up early n trying to be a good girl are usually the days
without any concentration what so ever. i just dont get it.
i got up early.
i went to the gym.
i cooked lunch (pie) for me sara n sofia.
n now..im just..here.
doing nada. wasting precious time.

i do that often.
i waste time.
what is time anyway?

thinking maybe goin to intermediate course a bit later.
or the gym again. so restless. but tired.
dunno what to do with myself.

i wanna leave.
why am i so comfortable and lazy?
everyday it cross my mind just to pack my stuff and go.
but i need to sort out a future.
is there one for me?

sometimes it feels like
im all talk and no action.
this might just be true.

:-:

- my questions of happiness -

:-:

there is something inside of me thats not fully satifsfied.
there is an emptiness just waiting to be filled.
with what i dont really know.

memories been hitting me like gunshots today.
but with nice and beautiful memories
from the best days of my life.

is that whats creating all this emptiness?
that them days have past and the fact
that i miss them so much.
the fact that i compare the present with the past?

its just screaming inside of me to leave.
go where i belong.
go to the place i think of every minute of the day.
to the place where i feel ...home.
why am i not there?
where is there constant fear of failing coming from?
the belief in self.
where is it?
is it missing or was it not even there so start with?

where is this spontanous me?
the girl that dropped the world to get on the plan and follow her guts?

my heart is missing u.
my body is screaming your name.

my mind is running but my legs are paralysed.
i am afraid.

:-:

. folks .

:-:

rought today. went out with sie classmates yesterday.
lots of fun.
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=224509&id=522090071&l=89b1c

think i'll cook sum lunch..n read sum for tomorrow. soo much to do this wk, where is the time?
wat is time?

not much to share today.
no.

laterz.

:-:

- in a nutshell -

:-:

today im actually a bit proud ov myself yes sir.
got so many things done. n gd things. like register for blood donation.
did a proper cleanin as well. wrote my cv, applied for jobs. yeh. shit like that.

no plans for tomorrow besides the gym. no uni. faaab. like it.
guna chill n study all day. bake sum bread.

cant wait for too c shell n kaila.
miss em crapbags. lol.

well well, bedtime.
nite nite
xoxo

:-:

- a walk down memorylane -

:-:

handed in my essay yesterday. then we celebrated with some wine. fabUlous i hav to add. the wine that is. been a busy day today n im still feelin a bit slow after yesterday lol.

im missin london.
took a unexpected walk down memorylane to day. all the way bk to 666.
those were the days. lol..yeh *smile*
time passes so fast. lots happen since them days..gd n bad.
n sometimes all that brings u forward is the thoughts ov the gd times from the past.
so..i'll try appreciate all that i hav now. n all the lovely people i hav in my life.
n all the gd times yet to come! =)

*np hot chip - over and over*

bedtime now..sweeeeet!!! up early 2mrw. well i'll try at least. need to study 2mrw. n apparently im spose to donate blood as well. not sure bout the latter part, trustin miss nutty got that under control. lol. oh n pingpong lol. this wk is madness.

laterzzzz.
beijos

:-:

- monday bloody monday -

aaaw..monday.
dont think i'll eva guna like mondays to much. think kinda suck dont they.
well..beta learn to love em as they just will keep on comin.

just finshed writin my essay. prob the worst shit eva written.
anyway, its done. a beer wud b fab right now.
yeh.

think i mite accidently swallow a small snail..that was in my salad. ehm yeh.
not to nice.

just lovin my hair today. all grown out now the way i like it. much beta. yes dear.

anyhow. beta get goin. lol.
laterzz.